im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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