So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize