apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
