I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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