I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
