Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
