he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
