I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
did you just send me my own nude
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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