the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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