Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
