i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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