New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
