AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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