You're my little dorito
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
