get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im holly from the hills drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
