My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
