I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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