fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
