He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
