you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
