It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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