yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
