proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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