Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize