we have pet lesbian snakes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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