I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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