I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
