Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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