How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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