I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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