I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize