she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
