and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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