Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
