I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how drunk are you?
Several
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
