You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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