i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize