she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
