Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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