life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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