walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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