genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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