No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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