In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
