just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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