god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
