Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
