nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
