Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
