Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
