if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize