if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
