im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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