Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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