great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
