his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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