life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
