im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
